Daycare = sigh

It's been almost two weeks since we toured the daycare that Ryan will soon become very familiar with. I just realized I never blogged about it. Perhaps I was a bit too traumatized and needed some time to sort out my thoughts.

That doesn't mean I didn't love the place, because I did. As far as daycares go, it's just about the best we could ever hope for. If I had to create one in my mind, this is what it would look like. It's a certified and nationally accredited center with educated, well-trained employees (and lots of them! with a really low turnover rate!). Many of the employees have bachelors degrees in early childhood education, and it shows in the way they intently focus on developmental education with the kids. There are art projects for all ages (even infants, who have no idea what art is). There is lots of interaction - not just with the staff, but also with volunteers from the local colleges and a nearby retirement community. The kids even take occasional field trips to visit the seniors in their center, which is awesome for everyone involved.

The place comes highly recommended by two of Mike's co-workers. The employees are totally on board with cloth diapering, which is unusual for a daycare. The center is amazingly secure. There are lots of great outdoor play areas for when it's not 115 degrees outside. And all the babies and kids we saw seemed happy, healthy, and well-cared-for.

But when we left the place, I started crying. Can I blame this on hormones?

I think it was just reality setting in that we are, indeed, going to have to leave our baby somewhere for hours on end, day after day, all week long, Every. Single. Week. It's heartbreaking. And scary. How can you ever fully trust a group of strangers to care for your child as delicately and vigilantly as you would, no matter how well educated and trained? How do you manage any sort of productivity at work without constantly wondering what the baby is doing... whether he's happy... whether he's crying... whether he misses you.

I know there are good consequences of daycare. Hopefully, Ryan will be better socialized at a younger age. He'll make friends. He'll become more independent. He'll probably even learn a lot. I repeat these things to myself often.

I know this really is the best thing for our family, given our specific situation. Could I quit my job and be a full-time stay-at-home mom? Maybe. It would be financially really, really tight, though. I'm talking "cut the cable" kind of tight. Not only would we never take any regular vacations, we'd also never be able to fly home to see our families. We'd never be able to go out for a pizza or buy tickets to the zoo. And that's not the way we want to raise our son. Could I go part-time and put Ryan in daycare part-time? Again, maybe. But part-time daycare is almost exactly as expensive (i.e., very) as full-time daycare. And when you factor in the money and benefits I'd lose by going part-time, it doesn't make sense to do it. I'm not totally ruling it out forever, though. Hopefully at some point, this will be a stronger option for us.

So, I know we're doing the best we can for our family. I know we found a great place. I know Ryan will be happy and safe there (IhopeIhopeIhope). And my one true saving grace? Mike will be dropping him off in the mornings; I'll be picking him up at night. Logistically, this just works best for us, given our work schedules. And emotionally, I don't think I could handle it if our roles were reversed, especially at the beginning.

Anyway, it really was a great place. :)