My appointment was... fine

When your midwife/doctor doesn't do internal checks at this point in the pregnancy, the weekly visits seem a little repetitive and, well, pointless. I pee in a cup. They check my blood pressure and comment how awesome it is (go me!). They listen to the baby's heartbeat (always around 140 bpm). They tell me he's still head down (good boy! get low!).

And then after my appointment, everyone asks me how it went and whether I'm making progress. And all I can really say is that the appointment was fine and I have no idea.

See, by this point in the pregnancy, most doctors are doing internal checks each week to see whether the cervix is dilating and effacing (opening and thinning out) at all. Both are sort of an indication of labor starting. Sorta, kinda, but not really. I was hoping/expecting to start the internal checks at my 36 or 37 week appointment, but at my 36 week appointment, my midwife burst my bubble. They don't routinely do them.

The reason: The exams are uncomfortable and intrusive, and in all honesty, what they find during the exams doesn't change the advice they give their patients. No matter how much I'm dilated or effaced, I should still be exercising, eating right, sleeping on my left side if possible, propping my feet up when I can, etc, etc.

And the information they find isn't a great indicator of when you're actually going to go into labor anyway because every woman and every pregnancy is different. Some women find out they're only 1 cm dilated and then go into labor that night. Other women waddle around at 3 cm dilated for weeks. So telling me I've made "progress" and am slightly more dilated or effaced really means absolutely nothing. I could still go into labor tonight, or I could still have 3 weeks to go.

This is one of those cases where I can really see the difference between a midwife and an OB. OBs all do internal checks. They're doctors, and they want all the possible information. If they can find out how much you're dilated, they're gonna check. It's just in their nature. Midwives are a little more go-with-the-flow. They know it doesn't really matter what they find, so why put you through the physical discomfort of the exam?

I think their philosophy has been good for me. I'm the type of person who needs to be in control and have all the information. But I'm about to embark on a journey in which I will have to live with the fact that I can't control everything. I can't keep my kid perfectly safe 100 percent of the time. I can't know what is happening with him every second of every day. Maybe learning to relax and see what happens without knowing every possible piece of information beforehand is a good lesson for me.

Besides, the midwife would still do the check if I really wanted one. She said it's my body and the information is rightfully mine to have, so if I want to know, she'd be happy to do it. So, I'm taking it one week at a time. I still felt it was too early to become obsessed about dilating and effacing this week, so I didn't request an exam. I'm pretty sure I can get through next week's appointment without knowing. Maybe by weeks 39 or 40, I'll be singing a different tune. But for now, I'm content with just letting my body do what it needs to do and go at its own pace without me knowing every single detail.

I should also say that this is just what I feel is best for me at this moment with this midwife. I totally understand why women would want the checks and would want to have all the information they could get their hands on. If my midwife had simply said, "Ok, time to do an internal check!" I would have gone along with it without a second thought. I just appreciate that she got me thinking a little more philosophically about it, and it made me realize that this was a good opportunity to train myself to relax a bit and not get so wrapped up in all the details. At least for now. ;)